The Darkest Side of the Light

I’ve felt it coming on for a few days. This deep sadness, the feeling that I am going to fall apart and that there is a crack so deep in my heart. I wonder how I have not drowned in it yet.

I see it and it sees me. We apprehend the coming battle and we both prepare – the wound cracks open, tears flow, and I stand still. I can do this, I think. I know, I have been here before, it has been worse and I can go there. This time it will be fine.

The night is coming, and I try to connect with my loved ones as I feel the darkness waiting for me. “Don’t leave me alone. God, do not forsake me this time…” And still, while I’m on my knees in prayer, I feel my Soul smiling, peaceful. I try to smile through the tears and repeat the words over and over again, “I trust God. I trust Love. I trust it is all in divine order.” Only I don’t feel it anymore.

At 1am we meet… Panic fills my body and mind, my heart races as I awake with my eyes flinging open. I breathe and start praying, focusing on the heart, turning on the light, falling on my knees. “Father in heaven, I trust you. I trust your love. I know you love me. Get me through this.”

And then darkness engulfs me, painful illusions of separation. I feel as alone as the last lost soul in a void so blank and empty that nothing matters anymore. My mind takes over and shows me all the ways I have failed my child, myself, and others… I fall in this crack, so deep and so empty. The pain of my body fights with the lightness of my Soul. “Take me, Father, take it all… no more fighting, take it all, and let me go.”

The thought crosses my mind, “How can I watch myself, knowing that these feelings are just madness of the mind, knowing that all is well, and yet feel what I feel?”

When I finally fall asleep hours later, the dreams continue to take me deep in the void of separation. At last, I wake up and see it’s light outside. I breathe and feel as if I am coming out of a war scene, battered and bruised all over. The body is in pain, the mind is exhausted and my Soul is still – just still.

Where was I? Who am I now? Why am I going through this? As I reach out this morning for light, I feel empty and yet I continue my prayers – “Father I trust you. I know you love me. I know I am love. I know we are One.” Yes, I know we are One.

I have no idea where I find the strength to move through all this. But I decided a long time ago that I would never give up.

God never gives me anything I can’t handle. And as Mother Teresa once said, “I just wish he wouldn’t trust me so much sometimes…” I smile thinking of her. Maybe some of her warrior is inside of me now, who can set hearts ablaze, go through the darkest night of the Soul, and still know that all will work out in the end. Just like they say, if it has not worked out yet, it is not the end yet.

There is work to do. I breathe. “Father”, I pray, ”Take it all. Take me, I am yours. Thy will be done. We are One light… let me draw upon your light when mine fails and let me fall into your arms when I jump.”

These days, I draw upon the light inside and of those around me – my sisters who are with me, and my loved ones who trust in me. When my daughter looks at me, I feel her question “We will be alright, mom. Yes?”

Read another article ‘Owning Our Back Body’

“Yes”, I say and breathe from my Soul. And I hear my Soul calling me home, whispering “Remember, we are One.”

Photo Credit: Milada Vigerova

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